Learning to Talk
by tracyh
Summary: In the aftermath of Christina's wedding, can Meredith sort out her own relationship problems?
1. Chapter 1

**Learning To Talk**

A/N I don't think I've ever written a fic based on something that could happen, either in Grey's or anything else. However, I was inspired enough by the situation with Meredith and Derek and a picture I saw that looks like it could be from after Christina's wedding (whether it takes place or not) to write something that resolves the issue. I've certainly never written a fic without planning it on paper first, so this is new. Feel free to tell me if it's rubbish, but please do so in a review!

Disclaimer: Repeat after me, 'I don't own Grey's Anatomy'.

The noise was deafening. The waves of sound reaching a mad crescendo that Meredith Grey was certain would burst her eardrums any second.

Meredith still wasn't sure exactly what had happened. One minute she was following her friend, her 'person', down the aisle as her Maid of Honour. Everything was going fine, even Christina, the bride, who'd resisted the idea of a traditional wedding as if it would give her the Ebola virus, looked radiant and, Meredith had to admit, gorgeous in her wedding outfit, a simple dress that made her look so feminine it was scary.

The wedding began and Meredith risked a glance to the Groom's right to the Best Man. Meredith felt a familiar warmth rush over her at the sight of him, standing tall and handsome in a black suit. There was something just so…._Derek_… about him that it sent Meredith's heart into overdrive. Derek must have sensed her watching him because he suddenly turned his head, just ever so slightly and looked into her eyes. He stared at her for at least 5 seconds, his eyes full of something that she couldn't fathom. The only thing she knew was that he wasn't staring at her the way he usually did. He wasn't giving her the McDreamy look, as Christina had called it since the beginning of their Internship, the look that reminded her all to clearly that he _had_ seen her naked….more than once…The look that reduced Meredith to a lust-filled puddle of mush. No, this time Derek Shepherd's eyes were cold, dark, and, Meredith saw, filled with barely suppressed anger.

Meredith flinched at the intensity of Derek's gaze on her. She wanted to run, but she knew she couldn't. She knew, damn it, that if she ran off now Christina would run after her and the wedding would be ruined….and it would be her fault. So she stayed. Stayed and watched Derek stare, reminded of another time when he'd stared at her.

That time he'd been dancing with his wife at a prom night for the Chief's niece at the hospital…Ex-wife, Meredith reminded herself….and he watched Meredith dancing with Finn, the vet for the dog they'd had to put down that day, the dog Meredith had bought and then ended up having to give to Derek and Addison. Meredith had run that time, intimidated by the look in Derek's eyes, a passionate heavy-lidded gaze that he knew perfectly well made her ache for him, despite the fact that she was in another man's arms, a man who was good and sweet and probably good for her…_too good_. He had plans, lots of plans, but Meredith knew in her heart she would never really want him. No, the man she wanted was another woman's husband, world renowned Neurosurgeon Derek Shepherd. So Meredith ran and Derek, being as hot-headed and stubborn as her, followed. They fought in an empty exam room before suddenly Meredith found herself in Derek's arms, his lips on hers. The world seemed to stop. All that existed in the world was them. Meredith knew it was wrong. Before she hadn't known Derek was married, but now, on prom night, she did, but she was doing it anyway. As Derek tugged on her hair, tilting her head back almost painfully to kiss her collarbone, all Meredith knew was that she wanted him.

Meredith was dragged out of her memories abruptly. She started and flushed when she realised she'd been thinking of having sex with Derek whilst Christina was getting married! Without even thinking about it she glanced over towards Derek again, but now he was looking at Burke who was gesturing wildly, seemingly at nothing. Christina turned to face Meredith, her face pale and her eyes filled with confusion. Then, without even glancing back at his bride, Burke fled.

Christina watched him go, making no attempt to stop him, her mouth open slightly as if she was holding back a sound that was desperate to find an escape route, the rest of her body locked, as if she couldn't move even if she wanted to. Suddenly she seemed to recover from her momentary loss of function. She shook her head resignedly at Meredith, almost automatically, as if auto-pilot had flicked on in her brain and she couldn't bring herself to switch it off. She pushed passed Meredith who took in what was happening with wide eyes, whilst her mind tried feverishly to process it. Meredith didn't understand what was happening. All she could see was Christina Yang's retreating form as she swept back down the aisle. When she reached the doors she'd come through just moments before, Christina looked back at the rows of seats occupied by guests both her and Burke's mother's had sent invitations to, some she knew from the hospital, some were friends, but mostly, people she had never met before and hoped she would never have to meet again in this lifetime. She locked gazes with Meredith again, who stared back, her eyes glowing with confusion. 'I think the wedding is off', Christina said loudly enough for the whole gathering to hear, and then she fled.

There were a few short seconds of silence where everyone just sat, as if transfixed by whatever it was that had taken place. Then there were murmurs of sound, whispers that went from person to person, first at a snails pace, then gradually becoming faster and faster and louder and louder, until the large room was filled with what seemed like a million voices.

Meredith turned towards the seated gathering and, under her breath said the first thing she could think of.

'Crap'.

A/N Now then, I didn't say it was a one-shot did I? It was supposed to be, but never mind. Please review, you'll make me happy, and I, like Meredith and Derek, deserve to be happy. More soon, I want this finished by Thursday.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N I didn't expect to be able to get another chapter written and uploaded today, but due to unforeseen circumstances (they always say that, don't they?) I find myself in a position to write. Thanks for the reviews for the first chapter, I promise to reply to any reviews I've received ASAP, but I want to get this up before I do. Thursday deadline, y'know. I don't know how long this fic will be, I have no set plans. I know what I want to write and what the end will look like, but I'm going with the flow, how laid-back of me. Enjoy this, and as ever, please read and review. Receiving few reviews has a similar effect on me as Derek being unhappy after sex has on Meredith, and you wouldn't want me to do a Meredith, now would you?

Meredith stood amid the cacophony of sound coming from the people that had come expecting to see a wedding. She took a second to spot people she knew, as if one of them would give her some clue as to what to do. Her eyes fell on two women in the front row of padded seats in this room that usually served as a function room in Seattle's best hotel. Meredith wondered briefly why this wasn't taking place in a church. Burke was traditional, his mother had traditional expectations for her son's wedding, so why weren't they in a church? She pushed the thought away and turned her attention back to the women in the front row, the bride and grooms mothers.

Meredith watched the two small women huddled together as if they were plotting taking over the world. They were in frantic conversation, lips moving rapidly, not giving themselves time to draw breath. Then, they both rose, and left the scene of the disaster, both looking embarrassed and uncomfortable, and not a little angry. Meredith winced inwardly. Christina was in for a fun time from those two…..not.

Looking around the gathering again, Meredith saw George and Callie. George was staring ahead of himself, as if he was trying to bore a hole in the skull of the person sitting in the row in front of him with his eyes. He shifted in his seat at times, as if he was trying to work up the nerve to do something, but then he appeared to change his mind and went back to staring again. Callie sat looking at anything but her husband, her face a picture of sadness and controlled fury. Meredith couldn't work out what was happening between her friend and his wife, but it was obviously nothing good. She sighed before her eye was caught by someone sitting just a couple of places away from George. Izzie Stephens. Meredith could see Izzie looked uncomfortable. She kept glancing nervously towards George but averting her eyes quickly whenever Callie looked in her direction. She looked flushed and nervous.

Meredith sympathised with Izzie on this day, a day she must be thinking about Denny, her boyfriend who'd died such a short time ago. Izzie had seemed better lately, more herself, but still, this was a wedding, and Izzie, being the Queen of weddings and all other ridiculously schmaltzy occasions, would be bound to be finding it painful. Then there was Callie. For some reason Callie had never really fitted in with any of George's friends and Izzie seemed to take her presence especially badly. Meredith put it down to Izzie being protective of George; they'd lived together as Meredith's room-mates for months, they were practically brother and sister, so Izzie responded less than enthusiastically when George came back from Vegas and announced he was married. Since then Izzie's relationship with George took a turn for the worst. Meredith could see that today George wouldn't even make eye contact with Izzie, who kept trying, only for Callie to turn, look at her and glare. Izzie flushed brightly before lowering her eyes to her hands which she clasped tightly in her lap.

Meredith studied the rows of faces further back in the room. Alex was sitting next to Addison Montgomery. Alex looked smart in a suit and Addison, as ever, looked immaculate, with her hair and make up perfectly done, as if she'd just stepped out of a fashion magazine. Meredith felt the familiar twinge of inadequacy crawl over her as she studied Derek's ex-wife. She was just so….perfect. Meredith was drawn to the sight of her friend sitting next to the woman whose arrival at Seattle Grace all those months ago had shaken her life up so dramatically. They were looking everywhere but at each other, but every now and then one of them would risk a furtive glance in the other's direction, before turning away again, their expression unreadable. Meredith made a mental note to find out what was going on there.

Next Meredith spotted Mark Sloan, who was sitting next to Miranda Bailey. Sloan was smirking, his face a picture of amusement at the chaos taking place around him. Meredith smothered a smile when she saw Sloan saying something to Bailey that the feisty Resident obviously didn't approve of. She shook her head and smacked him in the side not at all gently. Sloan raised a hand to his side and turned on the smiles and charm. Bailey responded with a withering look that had Sloan slinking back into his seat as if he was a naughty schoolboy.

The only person Meredith expected to see who wasn't present was the Chief. He was at the hospital where his ex-wife, or was she still his wife, Meredith asked herself, had collapsed the day before. They'd had to resuscitate Adelle Webber and now she was unconscious at the hospital. No one knew exactly what was wrong with her. The only thing they knew was that she was fifty-two and pregnant. Meredith couldn't help but wonder how the Chief reacted to that news. He'd been separated from Adelle for a couple of months at least; the baby was unlikely to be his. Still, he would make a great Dad, Meredith mused, refusing to let her mind wander to the idea that if things had turned out differently all those years ago, he could have been her father…by default. Meredith remembered her words to him just the day before, 'You are not my father' said in the most accusing tone she had the energy to manage. He'd gone out of his way to help her, allowing her to re-take the test she'd flunked earlier over again. In response, he replied 'I know that' in that warm, compassionate voice he used on everyone, unless he was angry. The gentle, soothing tone chipped away at something that had been building for weeks inside Meredith…since her mother said she was ordinary, since her own near death and her mother's _actual_ death….since Susan's death and her father's rejection of her. Without even realising it, Meredith broke down, silent tears seeping softly from her eyes. Without hesitation, the Chief gathered Meredith into his arms and held her while she cried. 'I know' he said softly, and Meredith clung helplessly to him as if he was a lifeline, knowing even as she cried that yes, he did know.

Thinking of the Chief brought Meredith's attention back to the man standing just a few feet away, just to the left of the podium Meredith was standing on. He must have moved at some point, because now he was standing so that as Meredith was studying the gathering before them, he was facing her profile. Shifting her attention from the rows of people, Meredith turned her head, knowing that Derek was watching her again. He still had that same cold, distant expression in his eyes and, Meredith saw as she faced him, he looked exhausted.

Meredith Grey had seen Derek Shepherd perform hours of surgery on very little sleep before now, having been awake all night having very noisy, passionate sex with her – Meredith shuddered at the thought that once again, she was thinking of sex with him during her friend's wedding, or her _almost_ wedding, whatever you called it when both the bride and groom ran off before the ceremony was actually over – but she'd never seen him look so completely exhausted as this. He looked bowed down, oppressed by something, something that made him look haunted. His eyes were surrounding by dark rings and bags that were fleshy and saggy. It appeared that suddenly his eyes were too small for the sockets of flesh around them. It seemed to Meredith that Derek had aged in front of her and she wondered when the change began and how she could have missed it. Then, as if someone had switched on a light in her head, she knew. She knew and it terrified her because it was her fault.

'_I met a woman_….._she was pretty and I noticed_…._I don't keep secrets_'. Derek's words from earlier in the day before he raced away into a surgery washed over Meredith again. She felt sick as she remembered the ice that had flowed through her veins as he walked away. It was like she was in the water again after the ferryboat incident, except this time Derek was just a few feet away, though in Meredith's mind he felt like miles off. She'd just managed to gasp out 'Should I be worried?' before he replied 'You _should_ be worried' and disappeared.

As Meredith watched Derek watching her, she began to wonder when everything had gone wrong. They'd been happy when they got back together after his divorce and after she'd decided that Finn wasn't the one. Months of feelings they'd both tried to avoid were finally able to come out. Oh, they'd tried to take it slow, tried to ease back into a relationship, but soon they were having sex again, good, passionate sex that made them happy…and pissed Izzie off. They were happy and beginning to move into something that was new, new and guilt-free and…normal. Then there was the day when her mother was lucid for the first time in years. The shock of finding out she had Alzheimer's caused Ellis Grey to collapse and Meredith rushed her to the hospital, where they found out that her mother had a heart problem.

Having her mother in the hospital again was awkward for Meredith, but this time, unlike in the early days of her internship, she felt able to deal with it. For the first time in….well, probably _ever_…she was happy, really happy, with a man she loved and who, it seemed, loved her back. As usual, her mother had to go and spoil it.

'What happened to you?' her mother demanded, 'I raised you to be an extraordinary human being, imagine my disappointment when I wake up after 5 years to discover you're no more than ordinary!'

_Ordinary_. The word had struck Meredith as if her mother had slapped her. All the insecurities about herself that she'd tried so hard to overcome washed over her like a giant wave. Later she confronted her mother, only to find that once again Alzheimer's had got Ellis Grey back within its cruel grip. She was lost and with her, Meredith's last chance to prove to her mother that she was worth something after all, that she wasn't just a pink-haired, black-wearing, angst ridden little girl who was only mentioned in hushed tones at family gatherings.

The effect of those words and her inability to correct her mother's misconceptions sent Meredith spinning to a place she'd vowed to herself later she would never visit again. That, Meredith knew, was when she'd made the biggest mistake of her life.

A/N There we have chapter two. I think now I might be looking at four chapters for this, but don't quote me on that. I hope you enjoy this. I've had a lot of hits for the first chapter (thank you all) and a few reviews (thanks for those too). Just bear in mind that it is scientific fact that fanfiction writers who get lots of reviews upload chapters faster than those who don't. It is a fact, seriously….and if it isn't, it should be!


	3. Chapter 3

A/N Thank you all for your reviews. Your kind thoughts are much appreciated. I've replied to most of them I think, but if you sent one I have yet to reply to please don't think I'm not grateful for your response. I promise, I will reply to all reviews I receive in time.

I'm enjoying writing this. It's nice to see events from one perspective, but weave in and out of what might be going on in the minds of other people. I've tried to remember things Meredith knows about, but also mention things she might not know about, like the situation with Alex and Addison. I hope I'm managing to wonder about all these things in the way Meredith would. I think that if she had any idea Alex liked Addison 'in that way' she'd be fascinated, which is what I've tried to show. Anyway, enough of me, back to the story. As ever, read, enjoy and review.

Meredith stood, her mind caught up once again with memories of that morning, the morning that changed her life, and could even have ended it. She remembered telling herself that she needed a bath before work, they had the triage thing that day and she needed to take a moment just to think, clear her head, ready to deal with that. She told herself she was fine, everything was fine. So, her mother was having heart surgery that day, heart surgery that carried risks, but thousands of people had heart surgery every day. It was fine. It was all just fine. She tried to ignore the voice in her head that had been a constant companion since her mother was lucid.

'_What happened to you_? …._Ordinary_……_Ordinary._' The sound pounded against Meredith's eyeballs, each word a hammer blow inside her skull. It made her feel small and pathetic, like she wanted to hide, take herself away, just for a moment. If she could just hide away, disappear just for a moment, it would be fine. As Meredith slipped under the water she told herself that all she was doing was taking a moment for herself; a time out of sorts. That she was doing so in the bathtub was irrelevant.

Meredith sank down into the water. The sharp tone of her mother's voice in her head dulled to a low, muffled drone. As Meredith closed her eyes and relaxed, she could feel all the tension in her body falling away, melting like an ice-block left in the sun too long. She wallowed in it, feeling as if she was melting with it, slowly, slowly, disappearing. All the hurt, all the pain she'd ever felt seemed to be slipping further and further away. All that was left was….nothing. It felt good, so good.

The peace was suddenly shattered when Meredith was grabbed by two strong, familiar hands and yanked up out of the water. She vaguely heard him say her name and ask her what she was doing. She didn't reply; just let him help her out of the tub. Then he started talking, talking endlessly, asking again, what she was doing, that wasn't bathing, he knew what bathing looked like. Meredith told herself she didn't mean to get angry with him. He'd helped her dry off, watched her while she dressed and got ready for work, all the time his eyes blazing with concern and worry, and a thousand questions Meredith knew right now she couldn't answer, because even she didn't know. But she got angry with him, brushed him off, told him she was fine, everything was fine. She dismissed him, told him to leave for work without her. He left, taking her face in his hands and kissing her on the lips before he went.

Maybe if she'd been thinking clearly she would have realised that he was worried about her and was trying to help, but in that moment after he left, all Meredith felt was relief. Derek's presence, his constant questions and reassurances seemed like another pressure in her head at the moment. All she wanted to do was disappear, make everything just stop, make the sting of her mother's tongue just go away and Derek wouldn't let her. He was always there, saying things and all Meredith wanted to do was disappear.

Meredith went to work and soon the Triage rehearsal the interns were observing was cancelled because of a real emergency. Even now, weeks later, despite everything that happened that day, Meredith knew she would never forget the scene of devastation they saw when they climbed out of that emergency vehicle with Bailey. Even the experienced Resident, who was usually right on the nail in a trauma situation, didn't seem to know where to start. There was smoke and fire, and people running everywhere. There were casualties, so many casualties, with injuries of every possible description, burns, cuts, crush injuries. They got to work, there was no plan except to assess the injuries, treat those who could be helped at the scene, send the walking wounded to the Red Cross station on-sight, and get the most severely injured to hospital as soon as possible. Meredith worked solidly and quickly, recalling textbook descriptions of trauma injuries and how to treat them as she went, her mind focusing completely on the job in hand. Soon she had company. A lost little girl, a pretty little blonde thing, seemed to stick like glue, so, not wanting to leave the poor little thing alone, and not being able to find anyone to take her to the Red Cross station, Meredith held on to the child.

Later they came across Derek. He threw Meredith for just a second when he asked her if she wanted to get married. She stared at him for a second. There was chaos going on around them, bodies everywhere, sirens blaring and he was asking if she wanted to get married? She soon realised he hadn't gone crazy and found the stupidest time in the world to propose. He was still trying to find out what was wrong with her, assuming for a reason only he understood, because it was a mystery to her, that she was down because she wanted to get married and he'd never asked. Meredith remembered saying no and asking him the same, feeling almost scared of his answer. What if he said he did want to get married, would he leave her again now she had said she didn't? She was even more confused when Derek smiled and said no, looking pleased with himself that he could cross one thing off his list of things that could be bothering her. Wondering where the hell all that had come from, Meredith checked if he could manage before escaping as fast as she could, still with the little girl in tow.

Just a few minutes later Meredith spotted a man in the distance, on the ground. No one was helping him, he was on the ground, writhing around like he was in agony. Leaving the little girl with a police officer, she made her way over to him. He was bleeding, clearly from an arterial injury. She started to assess him when she felt a tap on her shoulder. The little girl again. After making the child stand with her back to the injured man, Meredith soon realised she couldn't get help from anyone else. She gently persuaded the little girl to help her find bits of equipment she would need to repair the artery and stop the bleeding, at least until the man could be taken to the hospital. She knew if she left him bleeding like that he would die. There was no option but to get the child to help.

Now, in the cold light of this day, Meredith recalled saying 'I don't talk when bad things happen' to the child who had been mute since she had stumbled across her. She wondered now how she could have allowed everything to spin out of control like that, how, even for a second, she could have thought of giving up. It had all just seemed simple. She knew now that an opportunity had presented itself and she'd taken it. It was easy.

Meredith finished attending to the man's wound and dressed it. She was talking to the little girl again, telling how much she'd helped and how brave she'd been. Then suddenly the man began to shake and moan with pain. Soon he was struggling, fighting against something only he could see. Instinctively Meredith reached out to him, her back to the edge of the dock with the water below. She tried to soothe him, knowing he was in pain, and covered him with her jacket. He struggled more, throwing his arm out as if by reflex. Meredith didn't see the arm as it flew towards her. All she knew was that one second she was on the dockside and the next the water seemed to be coming up to meet her. She barely had a second to cry out before the icy blackness consumed her.

Meredith jumped when she felt someone tap her on the shoulder. Derek. She turned to him, catching her breath. It was times like this that made Meredith wish she wasn't so damned small. There she was, in heels, and she still barely reached his shoulders. He towered over her. He stood on the podium with her now, looking at her like he did in a surgery when he, as her Attending, asked a question he expected her to know the answer to.

'One of us needs to say something', Derek said sharply, his tone suggesting that this wasn't a discussion so much as an instruction.

Meredith blinked. 'What?' she replied, her mind still caught halfway between the day she nearly died and the present. She looked up into Derek's eyes and felt herself go cold. He still seemed so far away, and so angry.

Derek released a breath, a frustrated sigh. 'One of us needs to say something to all these people, tell them what's going on, and what they need to do, whether they should just go home or…whatever'. That last word was laced with something Meredith was sure was sarcasm.

She nodded, trying to get her brain to catch up with him. It was difficult when he was standing so close but seemed so unlike himself. She looked back into his eyes, hoping that somewhere in them she would find something, anything that felt normal; that felt like he hadn't stopped caring, that he still wanted her, that he hadn't given up on her.

'I think it should be you'. Meredith's thoughts were interrupted by Derek speaking again.

'What?' Meredith gasped, as everything slammed into her, waking her up with a start. 'But I don't…I mean…..What happened?' she asked, realising for the first time what Derek was saying. He expected her to explain to all these people why there was no wedding today when even she didn't know what happened. _Crap_.

Derek undid in his jacket and shoved his hands deeply into his pockets. He sighed and shook his head. 'I don't know, one second they were about to exchange vows and the next Burke was telling me he couldn't do it. He said he didn't believe Christina really wanted to be married. He said he was sick of being the only one in the relationship who was really trying. He didn't want to spend the rest of his life with somebody who didn't really want him….who didn't want to commit herself to him, so he stopped the wedding and left….I don't think Christina understood what was happening'.

Derek sighed again as he finished speaking. He must have used a lot of energy, Meredith mused, to say the words because he looked even more exhausted now than before. He kept looking at her, his eyes full of things Meredith couldn't work out. The only thing she could think of was that her friend, her person, had been dumped at the altar. She knew that she should be getting out of here to find Christina, see if she was all right, but something in her head was making her stay. Derek was still watching her, was still hardly a foot away. But, as Meredith looked at him again, really looked at him, she knew that he'd never seemed so far away than he did at this moment. Even in those months when he was back with Addison, trying to make his marriage work, he'd never seemed as far away as he did right now.

Suddenly the weeks since she'd almost died raced through Meredith's mind; the way Derek was standing waiting for her to wake up in the hospital, his face tired and…relieved. Then he'd had to tell that her mother was dead. Meredith wondered how she could ever begin to explain to him how she had known that without sounding crazy. But, Meredith realised, he'd looked scared, as if he didn't know how she'd react when he told her. He'd sat by her bedside at the hospital long into the night, crouched down to her level as she lay, exhausted and sore from the prolonged resuscitation attempt, talking to her, holding her hand and then he'd climbed onto the bed with her and taken her into his arms and she'd fallen asleep, the warmth of him taking the last chills of the freezing water away from her body. Why, Meredith asked herself, didn't she realise how tightly he was holding her that night, as if he couldn't bring himself to let go of her, why hadn't she said something to him when she woke the next morning and found him, still in the same position, awake and watching her, just as if he'd never closed his eyes?

Meredith remembered the days following her release from hospital, days where she really did feel better, more positive than she'd ever felt. Or, she asked herself now, was that just the euphoria she felt that she'd cheated death, got something back from a life that had systematically stamped all over her all her life? But even as she told herself she was being positive, she wanted to be better, to do everything better, Derek was obviously in another place. He was hovering, going out of his way to check up on her, even at work. He was everywhere, all the time, asking if she was all right, taking every chance he could to hold her in his arms and kiss her, or smell her hair, as if he was literally trying to inhale her. At first it was nice. It was nice to be held and kissed, and loved. Then, when he became over-protective, trying to shield her from anything that would cause her stress or worry, it became too much.

Meredith was used to dealing with everything alone. She'd been alone all her life. She couldn't understand why Derek couldn't see she was fine, that she was coping, so she told him to stop hovering, that she didn't need him to protect her, she could look after herself. It was then, Meredith could see now, that he started to slip away. Of course, Meredith didn't see it at the time. She thought he was worried about the race for Chief that had been occupying all the Attendings in the running since Chief Webber announced he planned to retire. She knew he thought he'd ruined his interview with the Board. When, in bed that night, she'd asked him how it went, he sighed heavily and told her that he'd been distracted; he didn't say what had distracted him. They'd ended up making love, and, in the afterglow, when she was clasped tightly in his arms, she told herself that everything was fine. He was worried about his interview, and as soon as he could he'd speak to Webber, ask him to support him with his vote. Then he'd get the Chief of Surgery position when Richard Webber retired, and he'd be fine. _They_ would be fine. She refused to even think about the drowning any more. She was fine.

Out of the blue Susan, her father's second wife tried to make friends with Meredith. Meredith recalled how, at first, she'd tried not to get involved with this woman. Then, over time, and with persistence, Susan slowly became part of her life. They became good friends. Susan wasn't her mother, didn't try to be, which Meredith learned to appreciate.

Susan and Meredith became close at a time when Derek seemed to slip further away. He'd tried to get Meredith to talk to him, really talk. Meredith could see now, he was trying to be part of her life, someone who was there for her all the time, even when she thought she could manage by herself. Meredith realised now that how she'd responded to that had been childish. Derek had started staying at the trailer again, something he hadn't done since they'd got back together, so Meredith decided to give him a running commentary on all her daily whereabouts and activities, telling him all the mundane things like what she'd eaten for lunch and so on. She knew even as she was doing it that he didn't mean that he wanted details of the minutiae of her life, he was asking her to let him in, to allow him to be close to her. Now she could see she was scared of that, scared of committing to something that could so easily go wrong again, so she'd trivialised it. She knew now that turning up at the trailer and trying to seduce Derek into bed like that wasn't how she should be dealing with things, but she didn't know how to fix things without bringing everything out into the open, which she just couldn't face yet. She didn't plan on Derek being unable to wait.

'_I don't know if I can_…_I don't know if I want to_…_keep trying to breathe for you_'. Those words crashed into Meredith's consciousness, waking her up, setting alarm bells ringing all over her body. Derek had talked about the drowning, confronted her with the reality of him having to try to revive her – why hadn't she ever asked him how she got out of the water, she asked herself now, had he pulled her out? But then, that night, his words terrified her. It felt like he was saying they were over. He'd said he loved her and wanted her…but still. Trying to hold back tears that she just couldn't shed in front of him, she left him alone and went home. When she got there she sat up most of the night trying to think of what she could say to make things better. Eventually, in the early hours of the morning, just as dawn was breaking, she knew. She had to convince him that she wanted to let him in, she was trying, and he couldn't give up on her. Then, just as she thought she was getting closer to Derek again, Susan died.

A/N I know, a funny place to leave a chapter, but if I don't it will be ridiculously long in comparison to the others. I've struggled a bit with this one, but it feels now like I'm over a hurdle. I think in this I've switched back and forth between Meredith at the wedding and Meredith in the events covered so far in the show more than in the previous two chapters. I hope I've made it clear which is which and why I'm doing that. Anyway, more very soon. Please read and review. It will help me tremendously if you do.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N Thanks again for all the kind thoughts on this. I admit some more reviews would be nice. I never write specifically for reviews, but the feedback is always good. I've never tried to write before without the safety net of notes in front me, is it working? Does it make it sound natural, or as if I'm trying too hard? I don't know unless you tell me. Just a few words, whether positive or negative, would help a lot.

This could be the final chapter, though I have a feeling it will be 5 in the end, so we are getting near the conclusion. Stick with me through a bit more angst and then….well, that depends on Meredith.

It was just hiccups, Meredith remembered. It was just _supposed_ to be hiccups. People don't die from hiccups. She'd even joked with her father – the idea of joking with her father was a bizarre concept even in itself – that Susan was fooling them, tricking them into thinking something was wrong with her so they'd be forced to talk to each other. It worked for a while. Then suddenly Susan deteriorated. She went downhill so fast it was like she was on a bobsleigh, racing faster and faster through tunnels of ice, slipping further away with each second, leaving everyone trying to help her standing in her wake. They took her to the O.R. but it was already too late. Susan died from sepsis.

Meredith couldn't believe it. She stood in the O.R. watching Bailey and the Chief fighting for her step-mother's life, until, in the end, they both said that they couldn't do any more. The Chief called time of death, his dark skin turning almost grey as he uttered the words.

The three left the O.R., Meredith's legs becoming heavier with each step she took. It was like she was wrapped in lead, covered in it. It made her feel heavy, awkward, and strangely cut off from everything. All she could think, all her mind was capable of grasping, was that somehow Susan was dead. Meredith looked up suddenly when the Chief grabbed her. She flinched and he loosened a hold he'd got on one of her wrists. He was saying something. Meredith forced herself to focus, push away the numbness that was beginning to settle over her. She was able to concentrate just long enough to make out that the Chief was saying that he would tell Thatcher the news. No one expected Meredith to do it.

For a few blissful seconds Meredith grasped at the words, feeling almost light-headed with relief. Then reality struck. The Chief was the man her mother had been unfaithful to her father with. He was the reason they'd divorced. There was no way in hell he could possibly tell Thatcher Grey that his wife was dead. She would do it, it would be better from her, after all, earlier they'd talked, just for a while. The gulf between them had seemed to become just a little smaller. So she had to tell him, explain to him what happened. It would be better if she did. Without saying a word, Meredith shook her head. The Chief and Bailey exchanged a concerned glance and then, silently, the Chief nodded.

Meredith left Chief Webber and Miranda Bailey standing in the corridor leading to the waiting room at the front of the hospital. She went on alone, taking careful steps, trying to hold off the moment when she had to break the news. Then Thatcher was there, he was standing waiting for someone to tell him. He looked literally frozen with fear.

It only took a moment to say the words. A minute, when, struggling to find any sort of explanation, she told him they'd done everything they could. She had to swallow the tears building up in the back of her throat as she watched Thatcher slowly beginning to fall apart. He put his hands in his hair, gripped it hard, like he was trying to wake up, as if this was some sick sort of nightmare. When that didn't work, he put a fist to his mouth, before taking it away, he began to sob and ramble incoherently. Then, without warning, his hand shot out and slapped Meredith across the cheek, hard enough for the sound to echo in the waiting room. Her head jolted round from the blow, she felt like she was on a merry-go-round for a second. Thatcher had blamed her for Susan's death. He'd blamed her and then, in front of the Chief of Surgery and her Resident, he'd slapped her.

Meredith knew now, it wasn't the slap that hurt so much. It wasn't even being blamed for Susan's death. Meredith was so used to blaming herself for things that someone else doing it just made a change. No, what hurt was that she'd just come close to Susan and now she was gone. She'd barely even begun to have any sort of relationship with her father and now that was in ruins. It was all too much. She needed to get out of this. She ran but found herself almost colliding with Derek, who seemed to have appeared from nowhere. He grasped her arms, tried to say something Meredith just couldn't hear at the moment. All she wanted to do was get away, lose herself, give in to the numbness that was slowly starting to consume her again. She pushed Derek away.

The day of Susan's funeral also happened to be on the same day as the test that would decide whether or not the interns would go forward to the second year of their residency. Meredith decided she was going to do both. She had to. The way her father had reacted, his pain, had begun to eat into her. She wanted a chance to put it right, make him see that Susan's death wasn't her fault, make him see that no one could have foreseen or prevented it. Even as she thought it, something inside was questioning her. Was her father right after all, did she miss something when Susan was admitted? Was Susan's death her fault? So she had to go to the funeral.

Meredith met Derek in the elevator. He told her he'd bought a black suit. She knew he was offering to go to the funeral with her. She wanted to take him up on the offer. She desperately wanted him to help her with the burden of this day. Just for a second she smiled at him, absorbing the comfort just his presence gave her. But then Meredith remembered the look on his face when she'd pushed him away on the night Susan died. A knot of guilt twisted her insides up. She couldn't let him offer help now, not when she'd turned him away. She didn't deserve it. So, thanking him, she said that she thought this was something she had to do by herself. She was saved from further discussion by Derek's pager going off. He got out on the floor they had reached. Meredith was just able to make out him saying 'Just let me know, if you need anything' before the elevator doors closed.

Later Meredith was getting ready to leave for the funeral. Christina was following her, asking questions for the test they would sit later. Then George caught Meredith's attention. Her father had shown up. He was a mess and he was drunk, very drunk. He ranted at Meredith, right there on the surgical floor, in front of her friends and people she worked with. He blamed Meredith for Susan's death again and told her she wasn't welcome at the funeral. He didn't want her there.

Meredith just let go. It was like being in the water again the day she'd almost died. The only difference this time was that there was nothing to fall into. The only thing that surrounded her was…nothing. As Thatcher Grey left, being coaxed away by one of his daughters from his second marriage, Meredith quietly switched herself off. She went and got changed, the other interns in tow, doing everything they could to make things better. But Meredith knew, nothing could make this better, so that was exactly what she was going to do….nothing. She went into automatic, finding peace in a world where there was only her. There was no dead Mommy, there was no dead Susan. There was no father who hated the sight of her. There was no hurt or pain, or crushing self-doubt. There was just a blissful nothing. Even when it was time for their test, Meredith blindly followed the others and sat at a desk. She wasn't aware that whilst the others wrote, pencils etching strokes into little boxes on multiple-choice papers, she hadn't even picked up a pencil to write her name.

Meredith looked back on all of the events that had led her to this point. She knew now that some of the things that had happened couldn't be changed. She couldn't bring her mother or Susan back. The relationship with her father had probably been too far gone for years to ever be properly repaired.

Meredith thought of the way she felt in those days immediately following the drowning. She'd been dead for over three hours, time when she had a strange experience where she saw people there was no way she should really be able to see. The things that had happened during those hours just wouldn't go away, no matter how hard she tried to tell herself it had just been her brain, halfway between life and death, playing tricks.

Meredith remembered Denny, Izzie's boyfriend, telling her what the realities of death were like; how you got the faintest sensation of the people you love. She remembered how, until then, she'd been resigned to dying. In death there was no more taunting words from her mother, there was no one to disappoint and fail. The pain stopped. It was only then, confronted by the reality of death, that Meredith became frightened. She imagined an eternity where there was nothing. There was no Alex, no Izzie, no George….no Christina…..there was no Derek…there was no Derek except just the tiny few seconds of him, the merest whiff that might happen if their paths happened to cross between the two worlds.

Meredith remembered being gripped by terror. It wasn't enough! Just a whiff of Derek would never be enough, she needed to go back! So Meredith went back. She survived and, once the immediate exhilaration of cheating death had worn off, she'd lost the sense of urgency she felt when she faced an eternity alone. She also realised now that she'd convinced herself that Derek would never know that she'd given up that day, he'd never know that even though falling into the water had been an accident, she'd chosen to stop fighting because it was easier.

Now Meredith could see that she hadn't fooled him, not one little bit. He knew exactly what she'd done….and it had broken him. He had been trying for weeks to get her to talk. He'd given her opportunities to open up to him over and over again, but she'd pushed him away. She'd been so scared of admitting to herself, let alone anyone else, that she'd given up, she pushed it away, allowed it to fester somewhere in the background as her own dirty little secret. She'd been so wrapped up in pretending everything was fine that she even managed to convince herself she was telling the truth. As everything fell apart around her ears, and Derek became more and more distant, she still told herself that everything was fine. Now he'd met a woman. He'd gone out and met a woman in Joe's bar. He'd told her it was nothing, nothing had happened. Meredith believed him, she knew she did. But what if she kept pushing him away? What if he just gave up on her? Would there be another woman in a bar, someone who would talk to him and let him get close?

Meredith looked at Derek as he stood, waiting for her to say something to all these people who were still sat waiting for someone to tell them what to do since Christina and Burke's wedding was clearly off. Meredith Grey made a decision. She'd lost enough already this year. She'd made enough mistakes.

It was time to start talking.

A/N There we go, chapter 4. The next chapter will be the last. I can feel this concluding itself. Please review, you know I like it.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N Thank you all for the lovely reviews for the previous chapter of this. I hate whining about reviews, but as those of you who write know, feedback is useful in helping us to improve what we write. I also think it encourages us, helps us to know that someone has read and been touched enough by a story to respond to it. I should say, I have made a small amendment to chapter 4 of this, just to make something towards the end of the chapter make more sense. It isn't vital, but looks better, so if you want to read that again I won't mind…as long as you then come back and read this.

Anyway, here we are, in what I'm sure (OK, ninety-nine percent) will be the final chapter of this. I really do want this finished before the season finale, and, seeing as that is shown in America tonight, I don't have much time…I think. I'm never certain about the different time zones in America in comparison to the UK, where I'm from. We don't get season 3 starting over here until the end of this month, so, believe it or not, I'll be seeing the drowning all over again. Does it sound sick to say I can't wait? Anyway, I'm rambling, putting off the inevitable. I'll shut up. Please read and review, but as ever, most of all, enjoy.

Meredith took one last look at Derek. She studied him. She saw the anger in his eyes, the firm set of his jaw, as if he was grinding his teeth, forcing himself to keep control over something that was desperate to burst from him. She noticed once more the dark circles under his eyes, the fleshy bags accompanying them, the clear indicators that he hadn't slept properly in….well, a long time. She noticed his skin, saw how pale, almost sickly he looked. She wondered for a second how she could have not noticed the mess Derek was in. For a moment the twist of guilt she felt building up inside when she looked at him threatened to overwhelm her. She wanted, just for a moment, to throw herself at his feet and beg forgiveness for what she'd done to him. She forced the urge away. Now wasn't the time for begging. It was time for her to step up and show Derek Shepherd that she wanted him in her life, to show him that she trusted him enough to let him in.

Turning her attention towards the gathering still seated in front of her, she stepped forward and stood on the edge of the podium. Sensing that something was about to happen, everyone suddenly became silent, the tidal wave of sound from before disappeared, like it had been sucked into a vacuum.

Meredith glanced around at the people before her and considered what to say. Bailey was still sitting next to Sloan, her eyes staring at Meredith intently. Meredith knew in this moment that there might be consequences for her career when she admitted the mistake she'd made this year, a mistake that almost killed her. Bailey had the power to take her out of surgeries, she had the power to make Meredith do labs and sutures for the rest of her residency if she thought Meredith wasn't mentally sound enough to be trusted with patients lives. A coil of apprehension knotted in her stomach.

Then there was Derek. There was that night they'd met in the bar and ended up spending the night together. There were those first days when she'd tried everything to not get involved with him and he'd just kept pushing. Then there were those painful months when he was trying with his marriage, when Meredith was pining for him. At first she'd dealt with it by being angry with him. He'd hurt her, she'd trusted him and he'd hurt her. She felt used, as if he'd deliberately deceived her. But then there were all the times when she saw him at the hospital. All the long, lingering glances, the smiles, the way he'd tried to help her get her mother on an experimental treatment for her Alzheimer's. There was the day when she'd just watched an elderly patient die, surrounded by people who cared for her, when it suddenly dawned on her that her mother could die alone. The thought had horrified her. She worked herself into such a state about it that she began to hyperventilate. She found refuge in a supply closet and fought desperately to catch a breath and control the panic that was writhing around in her insides. Then, out of the blue, Derek appeared. He gave her comfort, halted the storm of emotion that threatened to overwhelm her. Instinctively she gripped his hand and leaned on him and he let her. It was in these moments when, even though Meredith knew he was married, even though she knew he wasn't really hers, she knew he did care for her, that what they'd shared hadn't been a game.

She knew on the night after the code black incident at the hospital, when she'd almost ended up being blown up, that he'd been worried about her and he'd turned up at her place, even though his wife didn't know where he was. She'd asked him to remind her of their last kiss. Just for a second he looked like he was leaving. He was halfway through her front door when he turned, looked back at her, and, walking back inside, he told her. He remembered it in such vivid detail that Meredith knew that it had meant something to him; he hadn't just been marking time with her until his wife showed up.

Later there was that disastrous night with George and the doomed thing with Finn. Doomed, not because he wasn't sweet and kind and everything that a good boyfriend should be, but because he just wasn't Derek.

Then there was prom night and everything was pushed into sharp focus. They were fighting, yelling at each other, months of frustration falling around them like huge, biting, shards of broken glass. Meredith remembered turning her back on him, unable to stand the onslaught of words that rushed from him, words that sounded angry and confused and…..desperate. In the silence that followed his outpouring Meredith remembered turning. She faced him and saw that he looked as lost and desolate as she felt. She wanted to run from the look in his eyes, the pain, the loss, the tumult of emotions racing across his features. And then, Meredith didn't know how it happened, the only thing she knew was that she was in Derek's arms and he was kissing her. Soon they were making love and even though they both knew it was wrong, it didn't stop it feeling so right.

Within weeks they were back together and they were happy. All the pain from before melted away, vanished, like a bad dream slips away in the morning light. Derek was free and Meredith was content. Until everything slipped out from under her and she was falling. Now, as Meredith opened her mouth to speak she knew that she'd spend the rest of her life doing scut, she'd accept peer counselling with Sydney Herring, she'd do rectal exams forever, just so long as she could fix things with Derek. Knowing that she couldn't look at Derek, sensing that if she did she would fall apart, Meredith focused on the rows of faces in front of her and began to talk.

'I know Christina and Burke would like to thank you all for showing up today' she began slowly, carefully choosing her words. 'I'm sure you all hope, as I do, that whatever has happened today can be worked out and the wedding can be rescheduled'. A murmur passed through the gathering at this, some agreeing and some clearly thinking that Meredith was crazy, certain that whatever had gone wrong, it couldn't be repaired, after all, neither the bride or groom were in sight.

Meredith continued, ignoring the whispers. 'I'm sure by now everyone is ready for a drink. Joe has kindly offered the bar for our sole use today. I'm sure Christina and Burke won't mind you making use of that…and if Christina says anything you can tell her to speak to me…..' A faint buzz of laughter followed this and then people began to rise, eager to leave this place that was becoming warm and stuffy from the mass of bodies radiating heat.

Meredith raised her hand, indicating that she had something more to say. The entire gathering seemed to stare at her for a second, uncertain of what was going on. They all began to slowly sit, chairs scraping noisily on the tiled floor as everyone took their places again.

Meredith took a quick glance towards Derek from the corner of her eye. He was standing at the bottom of the podium now, his eyes fixed on Meredith again. However, this time he didn't look angry. He looked like he was waiting for something. She could see the question in his eyes, in his stance, even in her peripheral vision. His hands, which moments before had been in his pockets, were hanging from his sides, the palms gripped in tight fists. His jacket was buttoned again. He looked smart and immaculate. His mouth was slightly open, just like he was taking a breath.

'This has been a difficult year', Meredith began, feeling her way towards what she wanted to say. 'It has been a year of new beginnings, and lessons and difficult, often painful, choices'. Meredith sensed the atmosphere becoming tense. It seemed that every eye in the room was on her, some, she knew, because they wanted her to shut up so they could get to Joe's for a much-needed alcoholic refreshment, others because they were curious. Swallowing down a slightly nauseous sensation in the back of her throat and trying to ignore the way her heart was trying its best to throw itself out of her chest and into the front row, she went on, not daring to risk seeing if Derek was still listening.

'It has also been a year of mistakes'. Meredith took a second to steady herself for what she had to say. Then, as if by magic, the words took shape in front of her. 'We are surgeons, doctors. We make decisions every day for our patients, decisions about treatments and medications. We decide what course of action to take against diseases and conditions. We decide how best to treat injuries, whether to go into surgery or not. We decide when it is time to stop treatment. We choose when it is time to let go and let nature take its course.'

Meredith swallowed hard. The whole room was still silent. The only sound she could hear was the frantic beating of her heart. She steadied herself and went on.

'Sometimes we make the wrong choices. We give an incorrect medication, get a dosage wrong. We make a wrong cut in surgery. We try to prolong a life that can't be saved, or give up on a patient who has a chance for recovery if we would just give more time. We can sometimes hurt our patients with the choices we make. If we are lucky we can repair the mistakes we make. Sometimes the mistakes are too great to be fixed and we have to deal with the consequences.'

Meredith knew that this was the moment of truth. It was now or never. She had to go on. She had to repair the damage she had done…if Derek would let her. Taking a calming breath, she carried on.

'As doctors we know the damage we can do when we make mistakes. As people, as human beings, we try to avoid it. We try to run away, we try to escape, even if, in doing that, we hurt the people we care about…who care about us.'

The room was starting to spin just a little. Meredith's heart was pounding in her ears, but still, she knew she couldn't stop. If she stopped now she would never be able to put this mess right.

'I made a mistake this year. I did something that I know now was wrong. I did something that I thought would make me feel better. What I didn't realise then was that thing I did, that mistake, has hurt someone….someone I care about very much…someone I love'.

Meredith was sure she had never seen so many faces looking quite as bewildered as this. Just about every person in the room was listening, almost avidly, to every word she was saying. It was like they were all reading the same book, or watching the same T.V. show, except she was the only one who'd read the last page or seen the cliffhanger ending before the credits began to roll.

'I was hurt', Meredith continued, 'I was sad, and rather than allow the one person who was trying to care for me give me support, I pushed him away. Then, when I had a choice of trying to fight for myself, fight for my life, I gave up. I made the wrong choice and it nearly cost me my life'.

Meredith was vaguely aware of Bailey, her body language making it obvious that she knew what Meredith was talking about. She forced herself not to think about what that could mean. All she cared about was fixing things with Derek, even though, as she spilled everything that had happened to her over the last few weeks, she couldn't bring herself to look at him.

'I realised almost too late that I wanted to be with the people I care about, especially one in particular. I came back and at first I was determined to be better, to try harder, to focus on the future. Then…' Meredith hesitated just for a second, the weight of her feelings catching up with her. 'Then I let myself fall again, and in doing that I couldn't see that my mistake, my choice to give up, had hurt the one person who had tried to help me. I wouldn't see that I'd fallen into a trap of pretending that I was fine. I kept pushing away the one person who kept trying over and over to be close to me, who only wanted to care for me. He tried to support me again and again and I….'

Meredith's voice shook with emotion; she swallowed it down, forcing herself to stay in control, whilst tears rushed into her eyes. She knew she couldn't stop now. She had to keep trying. '_Don't be a dam_'. She remembered now what her mother said that last time they'd seen each other, just before she passed into death and Meredith had gone back to her life. Now she knew what she meant. She couldn't stop now.

'I kept pushing…I pushed him away…He asked me to let him in, I promised him I'd try and I meant it, I swear….but still, I kept pushing…and now I don't know if I can repair the mistake I've made. ….I don't know if I can repair the damage. …. All I know is that I want to because I love him'.

Meredith stopped and pulled herself together. Then, with a sigh, she continued.

'The decisions we make as doctors can have consequences for our patients. We can heal or we can do more damage with the decisions we make. We can do the same with the decisions we make for our own lives. The difference is that sometimes in medicine there are things that can't be avoided. Some things can and will always go wrong. There are unforeseen situations we can't change. We can change how we deal with the things in life. We can decide to be better, to stop avoiding our problems and allow people to care for us. We can face up to our problems and stop running away. It is time I stopped running'.

In the few seconds after Meredith finished speaking and stepped back from the edge of the podium, a pin could have dropped and everyone in the room would have heard it. They all sat, stock still, as Meredith's speech washed over them all. Then, as if someone had directed them, they rose. Chairs squeaked against the floor again as people stood and began to file slowly out of the room, all of them talking again, just as they had done earlier when Burke and Christina left. Meredith turned tentatively to see if Derek was still standing at the bottom of the podium. She didn't know whether to feel relieved or panic-stricken when she realised he was. She heard the last of the wedding guests leave the room, the large doors closing with a soft thud behind them. She continued to look at Derek, who was now studying his feet. He was staring down at them, almost as if they didn't belong to him, like he couldn't work out where they'd come from. He was deep in what looked like serious thought. Suddenly he seemed to sense that the room was empty. His head jerked up. Meredith caught her breath. Derek's sudden movement had startled her. She gasped slightly as Derek looked back at her. He had tears in his eyes.

A/N OK, I lied. One more chapter to come. Derek and Meredith are stuck in a room together with the doors shut. What could happen next? Please read and review. More soon.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N I'm so sorry I didn't get around to finishing this before the season finale. I wanted to, and then things got a bit manic. Then I saw the season finale as a download yesterday afternoon (Friday) and just….well, I don't know. I was just ridiculously, irrationally (considering they are fictional characters) angry with Meredith, and, truth be told, I still am. I was even in two minds as to whether to finish this, but I have to. I don't want to disappoint those of you who have been so kind with your reviews.

It's the destructive behaviour that Meredith in the show has got herself into that really upsets me. I mean, the girl has issues, but she is also supposed to be an intelligent woman! Doesn't there come a time when you have to face your problems? She just seems intent on hurting Derek and destroying herself and…it bugs me. Did she learn nothing from the near death experience, because frankly it appears not, and makes that story-line seem trite and vaguely ridiculous now. How on earth is Grey's going to pull all that they've broken down in the finale back without losing the viewers respect and without losing credibility? Can anyone see why I'm disturbed, or am I being ridiculous? I see that it makes for great drama but it worries me that everything Meredith went through to be with Derek now seems to mean nothing and spoils the effect of the first two seasons, which were, along with season 3 (in its own way) brilliant. Season 4 will be interesting to see in terms of how all this evolves.

Anyway, sorry to vent! On with the story…At least my Meredith has a brain….and a conscience. Thanks to all my reviewers, a few consistent ones and one particularly supportive one especially. Now if you could just read and review this you'd lift my spirits immensely. I should explain now that this has inadvertently become my alternative version of the finale, complete with a slightly different setting for the wedding…and a maid of honour who can talk.

Meredith and Derek stood staring at each other for what seemed like an eternity. They were immersed in total silence. Soon, Meredith decided that she couldn't stand the space between them any more and she took a step forward, keeping her eyes on Derek. He watched Meredith move, seeming to absorb the sight of her with eyes that were still wet with unshed tears. Then, with a sigh, he took a step himself, standing still again on the bottom step of the podium. Meredith took another step, inching herself forward just a little. Derek followed, onto the second step of the podium. Meredith watched him as he moved. She saw that his hands, which were still in fists at his sides, were gripped so tightly together his knuckles were turning white, but still he didn't take his eyes off her. Meredith held his gaze with her own, flushing a little at the intensity of it. There was nothing sexual in his eyes, nothing that said he wanted to rip her clothes off her right where she stood and have wild, passionate sex with her. No, what Meredith saw as she looked into Derek Shepherd's eyes was pain, and loss and fear. Somehow that gave Meredith strength and, swallowing hard, with her heart beginning to pound again, she took another step. She watched Derek's shoulders heave in an almost violent sigh, before he climbed the final step to the podium and stopped, just a mere foot or so from where Meredith was standing.

Meredith's heart raced. She wondered how on earth she could begin. How could she begin to fix everything that had happened and would Derek want her to? She forced away the thought, knowing that whatever happened, she would never be able to live with herself if she didn't try. She decided there was nothing for it. She had to just take a leap.

'I…I passed my interns exam'. Meredith said, her voice sounding unsteady and husky amid the thumping of her heart. She almost closed her eyes against the stupidity of it. There she was with her relationship in tatters and all she could do was croak something about a damned exam. _Stupid Meredith, seriously stupid,_ she thought.

An expression passed over Derek's features. His eyes began to shine and Meredith could see that just for a second he looked as if he was going to smile. He straightened his face quickly, his lips forming a line, and then he replied. 'Good…that's…good'.

Meredith nodded. She could sense the atmosphere in the room becoming more tense with each passing second. She didn't know how to fix things. She thought of something else to say. 'Did you get the Chief of Surgery position?' she asked, again mentally ripping out her own tongue for its determination to keep asking about work when there were other things to say…more important things.

Derek sighed, and to Meredith's amazement shook his head. 'No…Well, nearly'. Then he did smile; a sad, ironic sort of smile that vanished as quickly as it appeared.

Meredith blinked. 'Nearly?' She questioned him, the earlier uneasiness lifting as disbelief stepped in.

Derek smiled ironically again, the skin around his eyes crinkling in the corners. He looked and felt, exhausted. 'I was offered it….I turned it down...I told the Chief he was already the best man for the job', he replied, sounding almost casual, too casual, Meredith thought.

'You turned it down? But you want to be Chief, you know you do!' Meredith tried to hold back a sudden sense of panic. Derek had wanted to replace Richard Webber as Chief of Surgery for as long as she'd known him. Now he'd been offered it, even when he'd thought he'd messed up his chances in his interview and he'd turned it down? What was wrong with him?

As Meredith became more agitated Derek stood, his eyes still fixedly locked to hers. He was a picture of calm acceptance. He shook his head softly. 'No, I don't. I thought I did, but I don't. I was kidding myself. I thought that I'd come to Seattle to become Chief, that it would all be clear cut and simple. Now I know that it isn't clear cut, it's far from simple….and I don't want to be Chief, so I'm not'.

Something about the laid-back tone of Derek's voice made Meredith feel guilty. She couldn't explain it, he hadn't even mentioned her when he said he didn't want to be Chief, but somehow, somewhere inside, she knew it was her fault. Panic began to fill her, swamping her senses. She couldn't stand it any more.

'You _have_ to be Chief Derek….._You_ came here to be Chief….You _have_ to be Chief, you have to go and find Webber and tell him…Tell him you've changed your mind…Tell him you want the job…..It'll be all right…The Chief likes you….You have to tell him…You have to….You have to be Chief Derek….I can't….I….you….you have to….I can't…I can't….I'.

Meredith ranted. Her words were coming out one after another, between sharp, rapid breaths that made her heart race and her head swim. Vaguely, through the mist that was falling over her vision, she saw Derek move. Then, she felt herself moving forward until, suddenly, she was clasped in his arms.

'Take a breath Meredith. Come on, just slow, steady breaths. Easy, come on now. Nice and easy. Come on, nice…slow…breaths… You can do this Meredith. You can do this. Come on now, breathe.' Derek's warm, soothing tone reached out and washed over the tiny woman in his arms. As she instinctively leaned into him, she could feel his heart beating rapidly, almost painfully, in time with her own. She could feel all the tension in his body, every muscle tight, like they were being pulled by strings. She felt his arms tightening, just ever so slightly, around her.

Meredith tried to catch her breath. Tears were flowing down her face. Sobs, heart-wrenching, painful sobs that made her chest hurt wracked her small body. All that she could think was that Derek had been offered the job that he'd always wanted and he'd turned it down and somehow, even if he hadn't said so, she was to blame.

'You…Speak to Webber Derek…Promise….Promise me you'll speak to Webber….Tell him…Tell him you need the job…Tell him you made a mistake…Tell him…Promise me….I need…I need you to…I need…I need you to tell him…I need you to talk to Webber Derek….Please Derek…Please talk to Webber….Please talk….I need you to…..I need…I need you…'

Meredith was sobbing in Derek's arms. She was clinging to him now, all her senses telling her to hold on to him, not to let go. She clung on, gripping him, holding on to him, whilst the sobs continued. She felt his chin, resting on top of her head. She felt something wet in her hair, and without even looking up, without moving away from him, which she couldn't make herself do, she knew _he_ was crying too. He was whispering to her, muttering softly, just breathing comforting, gentle words, soothing words, in her ear, his voice thick with tears. It made her cry harder.

She thought of all the times when he'd tried to comfort her. She thought of when her mother said she was ordinary. She thought of all that time after she drowned when she'd accused him of hovering. She thought of the night Susan died and her father slapped her. Derek had wanted to help her, to comfort her and she'd pushed him away, even after swearing she was trying. Then there was the day of the funeral. He'd even bought a suit and she had pushed him away. She thought of those terrifying moments when she was dead and she'd realised that if she didn't go back she'd only ever get the slightest whiff of him, and yet somehow she'd still pushed him away. She couldn't stand it, couldn't bear the pain of it any more, and yet still, even now, he was there, crying with her, holding her. He was still there, _for her_.

'I…I'm so sorry Derek…I'm so, so sorry…Please….Please don't…Please don't give up…Please…I can't…I can't…I never meant to do it Derek…I never meant to push you away…I was frightened….Knew I'd got it wrong…Done the wrong thing…I gave up…I know I gave up…I stopped swimming….I didn't know…I swear, I didn't know…She said I was ordinary…and I thought….I thought…'

Suddenly Meredith was being eased out of Derek's arms. She tried to hang on to him, but he eased her away, slowly, as if moving her was costing him. She opened her mouth. She was terrified he was about to walk away, say he couldn't do it any more. Then, to her amazement, she felt his hands clasping her face between them, just like he'd done so many times before. He turned her face up to look at him. His face was awash with tears. He looked anxious and sad, he looked as if he had a thousand questions to ask, and yet….As Meredith looked back at him, she saw the tiniest speck of hope beginning to glimmer in the indigo pools of his eyes. Then he spoke, his voice surprisingly steady through his tears.

'You thought that because your Mother said you were ordinary that I would think you were too'.

It wasn't a question. It was a statement, a fact. He knew it. Meredith knew it. Just like an MRI scan showed up a brain tumour, he'd found the reason for Meredith's treatment of him. She couldn't bear the look in his eyes any more, the disbelief, the confusion. She bowed her head, shame coursing through her.

'Look at me Meredith…_look_ at me' he repeated, his voice firm, and yet soothing.

She turned her face up to his again. She could hardly believe it when he smiled at her, that same, sad, ironic smile from before, when he said he'd refused the Chief of Surgery position.

'You are not ordinary Meredith, not even the slightest bit ordinary'. He said it carefully, not as if he was thinking out what he was saying, but as if he wanted her to know he was telling the truth.

'I could never think you're ordinary. Do you know what I think; do you know how I feel about you?' His eyes were wide. He held Meredith by the arms, his fingers caressing her elbows in tender, soothing strokes.

Meredith cried, not the agonised sobs from before, but a soft, relieved, silent sort of crying that was cleansing from within. She felt a weight lifting from inside her. She heard the question he'd asked. He didn't wait for a reply; he carried on, whilst all the time his fingers continued to stroke, moving from her elbows, he ran his hands gently up and down the length of her arms.

'I love you Meredith Grey. You're bossy, you argue back at me, you snore in your sleep, I've seen you pick your nose at times when you think I can't see you, like when I'm fishing or whatever, and I love you. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone before in my whole life. Don't you see Meredith? Don't you know? You're the love of my life. I love you, I love you so much that it actually hurts me, so when you….when you…'

Derek stopped talking, seeming to suddenly be lost for words. Meredith watched his face become a shade paler. She felt his fingers trembling against her skin. She knew what he was trying to say. He was talking about when she died. She was tempted, so tempted, just for a moment, to change the subject, try to gloss over things. Then she remembered all the times when she'd pushed him away and avoided things. She couldn't do that any more, even if facing things was painful. She had to put things right.

'When I died?' Meredith whispered the words, but still, when they were out, Derek gripped her arms tightly, just as if she'd yelled them out and startled him. His eyes widened. He released a long breath of air when Meredith reached up and took his cheek into her hand. 'It's all right Derek. It's all right. I'm here, so just tell me. Tell me what happened to you that day, please, just tell me'. She coaxed him gently, tenderly, needing to fix the expression of agony in his eyes. He sighed heavily, his lips trembling with emotion, and then, quietly, he talked.

'It was hell Meredith. It was sheer hell'. Derek seemed to look beyond Meredith now, his eyes clouding over with bitter, painful, memories. 'I realised you were missing and I went to look for you. Then I found that little girl, the girl who was lost. It took a while for her to show me. She was traumatised, obviously she was, and I…Meredith I was _so_ scared. I didn't know where you were. All I remembered was getting you out of the bath that morning. I was scared, but I had to get the girl to show me. So I asked her where you were and she took me to the edge of the dock. She pointed her finger towards the water and I knew….I knew you were in the water so I jumped in. I couldn't leave you down there Meredith. I couldn't. I'd told you…I promised you I'd always show up, so I had to come and get you'.

Meredith wept. So he _had_ saved her. He _had_ been the one to get her out of the water. He was the first to see her in that state. At medical school she'd seen pictures of drowning victims and people who had succumbed to hypothermia. It wasn't pretty and she'd done that to _him_. His words of another time, a time that seemed like a million years ago now came to mind. _'It was like I was drowning and you saved me'_. He was speaking metaphorically, she knew that. But he'd done it _literally_ for _her_, and she'd pushed him away. Then Derek was speaking again.

'I found you. I got you out of the water and you were so cold, like ice. I got you into an ambulance, carried you. I couldn't let anyone else touch you. You were mine. I had to get you back. I started CPR at the scene, but you weren't breathing and your heart wasn't beating. I was so frightened I couldn't think. All I was doing was giving you CPR and some drugs that were supposed to work, but they didn't. I did CPR for an hour but you just wouldn't come back and I thought….I thought…'

The memories became too much and Derek was sobbing. He took his hands from Meredith and put them over his eyes in a desperate attempt to hide the tears. He tried to turn away from her, a macho reaction to showing such raw emotion. Meredith saw what he was trying to do. She realised there had been enough running away from feelings and it had to stop. She grabbed him as tightly as her strength allowed. She took him in her arms. Still, through his sobs, he kept talking.

'We got to the hospital…They wouldn't let me…They kept me away from you…I wanted to be near you….Needed to get you back…I promised you….I promised…I'd always show up….I let you down Meredith….I failed you…I left you again…I never meant to…Never meant to leave you….Had to…They made me…The Chief…Bailey…..Addison….'

Meredith couldn't believe what she was hearing. Derek blamed himself for leaving her that day! She knew it was hospital policy that had kicked in. Everyone in the hospital knew she was involved with Derek. God, at one point they'd been gossip-fodder for the entire building! So when she was being treated there was no way they would have let him near her and he'd blamed himself for leaving her alone. It was unbearable. She held him tighter, stroking his back, desperate to ease the pain that made him shudder to his finger ends and still, he kept talking.

'I had to sit there for hours while they worked on you. Burke turned up and worked on you too. He asked me what I wanted, so I told him I needed him to go in there. Then Mark turned up. You know, he sat with me. Normally I'd have told him what he could go and do with himself, but I couldn't. I needed someone with me and he was. For a while he was my friend again….But I needed you Meredith, I needed you and you were dead and….I felt useless. I remember sitting in the waiting room next to the E.R. and there was this man...about fifty-five he was. He said his wife had been run over on the ferryboat and he was waiting for news. He said that it's hard to find out from doctors what's happening. The stupid thing is I couldn't tell him that _I'm_ a doctor. I couldn't tell him that _I'm_ a neurosurgeon, that _I've_ saved lives, because I sat in that waiting room and I felt just like every body else. I sat there and I didn't feel like I was in control, I didn't have that feeling where I knew exactly what was going to happen. I didn't know Meredith. I didn't know if you would come back…and I've never been more scared, more frightened, of anything in my whole life. Meredith if you hadn't….If you hadn't come back I don't….I don't know what I would…..and then I yelled at your mother…..'

Meredith thought she'd heard incorrectly. 'What?' she asked. Derek pulled back out of her arms. He bowed his head. He'd stopped crying so hard, but tears still crept softly down his cheeks. It was like he couldn't make them stop, even if he wanted to. He heaved a shuddering sigh.

'I went to change. Mark made me go. He said I stank of the water. I remember changing and then I don't know….Something made me go and sit in your mother's room. She was asleep at first and I remember stroking her hair, but it didn't feel right and it didn't smell good like yours. Then she woke up and demanded water. I gave it to her and the next thing I knew I was yelling. I told her that every good thing you are is despite her. I told her that you might not survive and if you didn't it was her fault. I knew I was being irrational, but she was there and she looked so damned calm, so shut off that I just couldn't….Addison found me. She practically dragged me out of there. Then a little later your mother arrested….I was just outside her room so when the code was called I went in, it was like a reflex. We did everything Meredith…I swear, we did…_I_ did everything, but she'd gone and I I'd let you down again…I should have got her back. She hadn't even been down that long. I should have…'

Meredith shook her head firmly. She grabbed Derek's face and made him focus on her. 'Now look Derek. My mother was sick. She had a heart problem and she had Alzheimer's. In a few years she would have been dead anyway. You know I didn't want her to die alone and now I know she didn't. Now I know _you_ were with her and even though I miss her, even though I wish I'd got the chance to get close to her, I know she didn't die alone, so you don't have to feel guilty. You didn't kill my mother Derek. You yelled, sure, but she just died. It isn't any more complicated than that. So just stop feeling guilty about it.'

Derek looked at Meredith uncertainly. Then, seeing her determination, seeing how she obviously meant every word, that none of it was to kid herself or him, she really didn't blame him for her mother's death, he heaved another relieved sigh.

Meredith slipped her arms around Derek's waist and looked deeply into his eyes. 'I've behaved really badly to you since the drowning…and probably even before…'

Derek shook his head, 'No, listen, I know I've had to earn your trust back, I know I hurt you before and it'll take…'

Meredith interrupted him, cut off his flow of words, just as he'd done. 'When you left before it did hurt me, that's true, but you were trying with your marriage. I told you once that you wouldn't be you if you weren't trying, that it proves I wasn't wrong about you, and I still think that. But Derek, you tried to help me and I kept pushing you away. I felt so bad about what I'd done that I just kept lashing out at you. I didn't even realise I'd scared you so much. It was like I was punishing you for my mistake, and I don't want to do that any more, I _won't_. I do put my friends before you, I know I do, and as of now, that stops. I'll get a lock for our bedroom door, we'll start going out once a week or something, just us, on our own. Not to Joe's, somewhere further away, where they don't know us or….if you want….'she added, suddenly sounding unsure. Derek was staring at her, like he'd stopped listening eons before. 'Derek?' she said his name, her voice sounding unnaturally high.

'You said '_our bedroom_' he said, as if he couldn't believe it.

Meredith frowned. 'What?'

Derek grinned now, it lit up his face. 'You said '_our_ bedroom' like mine _and_ yours. It's usually just your room and I….I think I'm a sort of house-guest…With _benefits_…._good_ benefits….but still….'

Meredith smiled impishly, catching his mood. 'A house-guest huh, well, now you're not. We live _together_, just at the house sometimes, or the trailer sometimes, but you are _not_ a house-guest….besides, house-guests don't cook and seeing as I don't cook and you do…well, you're nice to have around'.

Derek smiled brightly at her, seeing that she was being funny with him. Then he became serious again. 'You know, when I told you about that woman in the bar, I wasn't trying to hurt you. I was angry, I was hurt, I admit that, and I might have been trying to make you jealous, but Meredith, I swear, nothing happened. I wouldn't do that. I couldn't. Not to you. I love you Meredith. I'll love you till the day I die and then I'll love you more, so I don't want you to think you have anything to worry about, because you don't'.

Meredith felt the tears in her eyes again. 'I love you too Derek. I love you so much'. Then she remembered something. 'But one last thing _Dr. Shepherd_', She used his formal title, which she knew he didn't like.

'What?' he asked, his eyebrows raising.

'I do NOT pick my nose!' She glared at him and gave him a not so gentle poke.

Derek broke into a peal of laughter. It made Meredith's toes curl, which she was sure was far too girly, but she didn't care right at that moment. Somehow she thought it would be a while before she did.

'Yes you do!' he replied, still laughing. Meredith opened her mouth to reply. Just as she did Derek grabbed her and, pulling her up against him, he kissed her. It was tender and passionate all at once. He caressed Meredith's lips with his own. He groaned when Meredith pushed her way into his mouth, her tongue meeting his. He eased back a little and nipped Meredith's lips, making her shudder against him. They eased back after a long, breathless moment.

They looked deeply into each other's eyes, their humour not disguising the deep emotions between them. Derek broke the spell first.

'Meredith' he said questioningly.

Meredith looked into his eyes and raised her eyebrows. She knew that look.

Derek stared, his eyes smouldering, just a little bit. 'Are you still…._horny_?'

Meredith laughed and edged closer, deliberately rubbing herself against him. He gasped just a bit and she smiled. 'Oh yes' she said simply, provocatively.

Derek leered. 'Trailer or house?' He asked just like he was asking about the weather.

'Trailer…We can make as much noise as we like in the trailer…' She was practically panting already. She wanted him so badly.

Derek stepped back and then he took Meredith's hand in his. He placed a kiss in her palm that made her shudder with desire. Then he clasped his hand with hers.

'I think that's a great idea Dr. Grey' he said, his voice laden with desire.

They left, Meredith making a mental note to call Christina in the morning and see if she needed anything. For tonight all that mattered was Derek, being with Derek, and nothing was going to stand in her way. It was time to move on.

A/N Well that was my take on the finale. I know, the end is hopelessly fluffy. I was in the mood for fluff. It makes me feel better. Please review, I like it!


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